A musing about not much...

This musing is about having nothing to muse about.

It's been a long week and it's only Wednesday. Two days of putting my foot in my mouth and feeling off my game. And just wondering how it all fits together. What it all means...

One tough class where I found it hard to make an impact; one inspiring class because of the students and the work they created.

Two meetings where I raised points for discussion and then felt like I got shut down. Then couldn't shake the yucky feeling that stuck to me afterwards.

One 45-minute spin class that made me feel like it was going to be a better day. At least my body seems to be working better than my mouth and brain on some level.

Meetings, meetings, and more meetings. Students, students, and more students.

My clock feels very cleaned. Like spic and span clean. Mr. Clean clean. Almost stingingly so.  Is that a word?  Stingingly? It's what I feel like this evening.

So that's my musing. Nothing really to say except that the tank is empty, and I'm waiting for the filling station to show up on my right so I can pull over and stop running on brain fumes.

At Capacity--Scene 17: An awkward phone call

(Cassie is walking quickly across the stage, handbag over her shoulder, and she is being pursued by Marc, rolling a small suitcase behind him. It’s mid-morning.)

CASSIE (as she’s walking)
Forget it! Just forget it, OK?

MARC
Why are you being like this? I came one more time to try and--

CASSIE
Forget all that ever happened and just get out of here!

MARC
But—

CASSIE (turning to him)
I need to get to work to prep for the lunch shift and you need to catch your plane.

MARC
Why are you not returning my texts or calls?

CASSIE
Why do you think?

MARC
I don’t know.

CASSIE
Uh, I think her name is Sarah?

MARC
I told you that she doesn't—

CASSIE
I know what you told me.

MARC
So why don’t you just go with it?

CASSIE
“Just go with it?”  You want me to just go with it?

MARC
Yeah, that’s all between Sarah and I. I told you that it’s an open relationship and she’s fine with it.

CASSIE
Why am I supposed to believe that?

MARC
Why are you not supposed to believe it?

CASSIE
Because I don’t think that you’re telling me the truth.

MARC
Cassie—

CASSIE
Why should I believe that it's OK with this person that you’re in a relationship with?  Why should I believe that?

MARC
Because I don’t lie.

CASSIE
And I should just accept that?  I should just accept your word after—

MARC
After what?

CASSIE
After what?  After going back up to your room with Claire, for one.

MARC
Omigod, I told you that didn’t happen. She couldn’t manage it all and left.

CASSIE
But you were gonna go through with it.

MARC
Yes, I was!  Why are you such a prude about all of it?

CASSIE
I’m not being a prude! I’m just being realistic!

MARC
You're being a prude! Just because I'm comfortable in my own skin and I--

CASSIE
Why should I think that being with you would be any different than being with some other guy who’s getting into all these people’s pants?

MARC
Because I’m honest about it?

CASSIE
What?

MARC
Because I’m honest about it. Do you know anyone else who’s honest about what they want? Honest about how their relationship works? And it's not just about getting into someone's pants.

CASSIE
You think you’re being honest?

MARC
I don’t think I’m being honest, Cassie. I know I’m being honest.

(Cassie just looks at Marc. He looks back. Then he takes his phone out of pocket and holds it out to her.)

CASSIE
What?

MARC
Call her.

CASSIE
Call who?

MARC
Sarah.

CASSIE
I’m not calling Sarah.

MARC
Why not?  She’s happy to talk to you. 

CASSIE
You’re crazy. Now you’re trying to sabotage your relationship with her or you’re trying to hurt her or something. I'm not participating in that.

MARC
I told her all about you last night. She said she’s happy to talk with you.

CASSIE
You’re lying.

MARC
I’m not.

(Marc holds out the phone to her. Cassie looks at it.)

MARC
Why are you so afraid to find out that I’m not lying?

CASSIE
I’m not afraid, I’m just—

MARC
Or that the way that you think relationships work isn’t how they work for everybody?

CASSIE
I don’t think relationships work the same for everybody. I just don’t think that you can have a relationship where two people are open to having other people in their relationship.

MARC
Why not?

CASSIE
Because it doesn’t work.

MARC
Have you tried it?

CASSIE
No, but—

MARC
Then how do you know?

CASSIE
I JUST KNOW, OK?  I just know.

(Marc puts the phone back in his pocket.)

MARC
How?

CASSIE
Christ, would you just give it up?

MARC
How do you know?

CASSIE
Why can’t you just leave and get on your plane and go back to Sarah?

MARC
That’s not how I work. I don’t just walk away from things I want.

CASSIE
So you want me now? It makes me sound like some sort of object that you can purchase or something?

MARC
You will twist everything I say into something that makes me sound negative, but it’s not going to change how I feel. I’m way stronger than that.

(Cassie turns to walk away again.)

MARC
The least you can do is answer my question.

CASSIE (turning on him)
You wanna know how I know?

MARC
Yeah, I—

CASSIE
I know because my boyfriend was a complete prick when he found out I was pregnant with his baby and then he left me. Left me completely alone. No help. No attention. Then started dating another girl two months later. They're married now.  OK?  That's one reason how I know.

MARC
I don’t have to leave.

CASSIE
And Claire, that bitch of a teacher, she did nothing to help me when it happened. NOTHING. All she did was make life worse for me. Every chance she had she brought it up. In class. At National Honor Society meetings. To my mom during parent-teacher conferences. Everybody knew. I was showing, but she just kept bringing it up.

MARC
Claire is damaged beyond repair. You’re not.

CASSIE
You’ve known me for four days.

MARC
And?

CASSIE
You know nothing about me.

MARC
I know some things. And there are lots of things that I know that I like. 

CASSIE
I don’t trust you or anyone else at this point.

MARC
Now, I don’t believe that.

CASSIE
It’s true.

MARC
Do you trust your kid?

CASSIE
Leave her out of this.

MARC
Why?  It seems like a pretty important part of it.  Of you.

CASSIE
I don’t talk about her with anyone other than people who know me really well.

MARC
And?

(Cassie just looks at Marc.)

MARC

I’m not afraid of knowing you really well, and I’m not afraid of you knowing me. I’ve already told you a lot, shown you a lot.

(Cassie nods her head.)

MARC
And you seemed to like a lot of it.

(Cassie nods her head again.)

MARC
So?

(Marc holds out the phone to Cassie. She looks at him, turns away and scoffs, then looks back.)

CASSIE
Seriously?

(Marc just stands there with his hand outstretched.  Cassie looks at the phone again and takes it from his hand. She looks at the screen.)

CASSIE
Is this her number?

(Marc nods his head.)

CASSIE
I can’t believe I’m doing this.

MARC
She’s expecting the call.

(Cassie looks at the phone and looks at him.  She clicks the phone as if to dial the number.  She brings the phone to her ear.)

CASSIE (slightly surprised when someone picks up on the other end)
Hello?

(Lights fade out. End of scene.)

CASSIE (as she’s walking)
Forget it! Just forget it, OK?

MARC

Why are you being like this?

CASSIE

Forget all that ever happened and just get out of here!

MARC
But—

CASSIE (turning to him)

I need to get to work to prep for the lunch shift and you need to catch your plane.

MARC
Why are you not returning my texts or calls?

CASSIE
Why do you think?

MARC
I don’t know.

CASSIE
Uh, I think her name is Sarah?

MARC
I told you that—

CASSIE
I know what you told me.

MARC
So why don’t you just go with it?

CASSIE
“Just go with it?”  You want me to just go with it?

MARC
Yeah, that’s all between Sarah and I. I told you that it’s an open relationship and she’s fine with it.

CASSIE
Why am I supposed to believe that?

MARC
Why are you not supposed to believe it?

CASSIE
Because I don’t think that you’re telling me the truth.

MARC

Cassie—

CASSIE

Why should I believe that this is OK with this person that you’re in a relationship with?  Why should I believe that?

MARC
Because I don’t lie.

CASSIE
And I should just accept that?  I should just accept your word after—

MARC
After what?

CASSIE
After what?  After going back up to your room with Claire, for one.

MARC
Omigod, I told you that didn’t happen. She couldn’t manage it all and left.

CASSIE
But you were gonna go through with it.

MARC
Yes, I was!  Why are you such a prude about all of this?

CASSIE
I’m not being a prude! I’m just being realistic! Why should I think that being with you would be any different than being with some other guy who’s getting into all these people’s pants?

MARC
Because I’m honest about it?

CASSIE
What?

MARC
Because I’m honest about it. Do you know anyone else who’s honest about what they want? Honest about how their relationship works?

CASSIE

You think you’re being honest?

MARC
I don’t think I’m being honest, Cassie. I know I’m being honest.

(Cassie just looks at Marc. He looks back. Then he takes his phone out of pocket and holds it out to her.)

CASSIE
What?

MARC
Call her.

CASSIE
Call who?

MARC
Sarah.

CASSIE
I’m not calling Sarah.

MARC
Why not?  She’s happy to talk to you. 

CASSIE
You’re crazy. Now you’re trying to sabotage your relationship or you’re trying to hurt her or something.

MARC
I told her all about you last night. She said she’s happy to talk with you.

CASSIE
You’re lying.

MARC
I’m not.

(Marc holds out the phone to her. Cassie looks at it.)

MARC
Why are you so afraid to find out that I’m not lying?

CASSIE
I’m not afraid, I’m just—

MARC
Or that the way that you think relationships work isn’t how they work for everybody?

CASSIE
I don’t think relationships work the same way for everybody. I just don’t think that you can have a relationship where two people are open to having other people in the relationship.

MARC
Why not?

CASSIE
Because it doesn’t work.

MARC
Have you tried it?

CASSIE
No, but—

MARC
Then how do you know?

CASSIE
I JUST KNOW OK?  I just know.

(Marc puts the phone back in his pocket.)

MARC
How?

CASSIE
Christ, would you just give up?

MARC
How do you know?

CASSIE
Why can’t you just leave and get on your plane and go back to Sarah?

MARC
That’s not how I work. I don’t just walk away from things that I want.

CASSIE

So you want me now? It makes me sound like some sort of object that you can purchase or something?

MARC
You will twist everything I say into something that makes me sound negative, but it’s not going to change how I feel. I’m way stronger than that in my convictions.

(Cassie turns to walk away again.)

MARC
The least you can do is answer my question.

CASSIE (turning on him)
You wanna know how I know?

MARC
Yeah, I—

CASSIE
I know because my boyfriend was a complete prick when he found out I was pregnant with his baby and then he left.

MARC
I don’t have to leave.

CASSIE
And Claire, that bitch of a teacher, she did nothing to help me when it happened.  NOTHING.  All she did was make life worse for me. Every chance she had she brought it up. In class. At National Honor Society meetings. To my mom during parent-teacher conferences. Everybody knew. I was showing, but she just kept bringing it up.

MARC
Claire is damaged beyond repair. You’re not.

CASSIE
You’ve known me for four days.

MARC
And?

CASSIE
You know nothing about me.

MARC
I know some things. And there are lots of things that I know that I like. 

CASSIE

I don’t trust anyone.

MARC
Now, I don’t believe that.

CASSIE
It’s true.

MARC
Do you trust your kid?

CASSIE

Leave that out of this.

MARC
Why?  It seems like a pretty important part of it.  Of you.

CASSIE
I don’t talk about her with anyone other than people who know me really well.

MARC
And?

(Cassie just looks at Marc.)

MARC

I’m not afraid of knowing you really well, and I’m not afraid of you knowing me. I’ve already told you a lot, shown you a lot.

(Cassie nods her head.)

MARC
And you seemed to like a lot of it.

(Cassie nods her head again.)

MARC

So?

(Marc holds out the phone to Cassie. She looks at him, turns away and scoffs, then looks back.)

CASSIE
Seriously?

(Marc just stands there with his hand outstretched.  Cassie looks at the phone again and takes it from his hand. She looks at the screen.)

CASSIE
Is this her number?

(Marc nods his head.)

CASSIE
I can’t believe I’m doing this.

MARC
She’s expecting the call.

(Cassie looks at the phone and looks at him.  She clicks the phone as if to dial the number.  She brings the phone to her ear.)

CASSIE (slightly surprised when someone picks up on the other end)
Hello?

(Lights fade out. End of scene.)

Artists I admire: The actresses of Mad Men

For whatever reason, I arrived late to the Mad Men phenomenon and only recently started watching the show. My partner and I watch an episode whenever we have some time, and after about nine months, we're a few episodes into Season 3.

From my perspective, the show started off slow, but then picked up speed as the seasons have unfolded. I understand that the primary focus of the series is on Don Draper, followed by the story of Peggy Olson, but in my humble opinion, the women of the show make it the most interesting.

Elisabeth Moss (Peggy Olson), January Jones (Betty Draper), and Christina Hendricks (Joan Holloway) have some pretty tough acting tasks to complete in the first two seasons of the show, and that's continuing into Season 3. Specifically, I think of the moments where they show glimmers of vulnerability as they try to navigate the overwhelmingly masculine world of the 1960s, and I can't help but think that they are doing something really special work. Their willingness to buy into the stereotypes of the time period while also fighting against them makes me pay extra special attention to their transformations as actresses. They rise to the challenge each time and leave me wondering what will happen to their characters next.

For playing characters that have taught me lots about maintaining dignity in the face of adversity, for their willingness to reach into very dark and uncomfortable places with their character work, and for lighting up the small screen in very different yet compelling ways, the actresses of Mad Men are the artists I admire for this week.

When corporations might help instead of hurt

There's so much to say concerning the legislation that passed the North Carolina state legislature last week and was then signed into law by their governor allowing for discrimination against LGBTQ people, particularly as it relates to transgender people using a bathroom that more accurately reflects their gender identity rather than the gender assigned on their birth certificate. Lots of people are talking about it, up in arms about the discrimination against LGBTQ people or afraid of being attacked in bathrooms by someone masquerading as a transgender person. (This second piece I find completely ridiculous, but that's another musing.)

This North Carolina situation is just one example of many pieces of legislation in process or already passed that reflect an important thing to remember: even when the law of the land supposedly protects everyone, people find all sorts of ways to play out the fear that they really feel in their hearts. This has been happening for years to the African American citizens of this country, and we really need to wake up.

The point I take up today is inspired by an article from The New York Times, "Major Companies Press North Carolina on Law Curbing Protections From Bias". I highlight this article because it reveals something very interesting about who may actually have the power to change what happened in North Carolina: Bank of America and other large corporations that have chosen to headquarter themselves in there.

Now there's a lot of yelling from the Left about how corrupt corporate America has become, and I understand the concerns. And some of the most focused yelling is at Hillary Clinton because of the speeches to Wall Street that she hasn't released, "she's in bed with the corporations," etc.  Bernie Sanders is calling for some kind of complete overhaul of the corporate system, and I never quite fully understand how that will work without a complete collapse of the financial system as we know it. But in essence, if we get on the Bernie Train, Bank of America and large corporations might lose all sorts of bargaining power in a situation like the North Carolina legislation. That actually scares me.

As I read Times article this morning, I thought about the compromises that my life has required me to make on any number of decisions, personal and vocational. And often times, I make those compromises in a very strategic way, maybe disagreeing in the direction that I have to lean or the person who gets put on a short list or whatever, but ultimately, I make those compromises to gain power in another kind of way. It's part of operating within the politics of any kind of relationship.

I'm not advocating for being deceptive or disingenuous. But this news article did make me reconsider how judgemental I was being about a politician's ties to corporations. Maybe those ties are strategic, so that when these kinds of situations arise, there are options beyond debate and discourse that can help leverage a positive change. We're seeing how badly divided our representative bodies have become, to the point that the North Carolina Senate Democrats walked out of State Chambers and didn't even register their votes against this legislation which then passed unopposed. Based on party numbers, it would have passed anyway, but there's something disquieting about that kind of action by elected officials.

I shudder to think that a coalition of corporations could do a better job at solving this debacle, but we might just see that happen in North Carolina. Itmay be the only hope we have at this point.

At Capacity--Scene 16: Sort of coming to

(Lights up on Julia’s hospital room. Steve is sitting by Julia’s bed. She is stirring, rolling around as if she’s waking up.  She’s murmuring.)

(JULIA (unintelligible sounds, then…)
…you deserve it…

STEVE
Julia?

(Steve gets up and goes over to her bedside.  Julia doesn’t hear him.)

JULIA
…you deserve it…

STEVE
What are you talking about?

JULIA (getting a bit louder)
You deserve it!

STEVE
Who deserves what? I don’t understand what you’re trying to tell me.

JULIA (sitting up straight in bed)
YOU DESERVE IT!

STEVE
DESERVE WHAT?

JULIA
WHAT? . . . WHAT WHAT WHAT?

(Julia is yelling now. Her eyes are open. She can’t see Steve, but she responds to his voice whenever he says something. It doesn’t necessarily make sense, but she responds.)

STEVE (changing tactics)
Julia, it’s Steve. Your brother, Steve. Can you hear me?

JULIA
ME!  ME ME ME!

STEVE
Julia, do you know where you are? 

JULIA
WHERE?  WHERE WHERE WHERE!

STEVE
My God…

JULIA
WHERE? WHERE WHERE WHERE!

STEVE
Never mind…

(Steve walks back to the chair and slumps down. Julia realizes that he’s not there anymore. She tries to shake herself awake, shake herself out of this state of mind, but she can’t get out of it. Steve watches her struggle, struggle with her head and struggle with the restraints on her arms. He gets up to start to go to her.)

JULIA
NO?  NO NO NO?

STEVE
What do you want me to do?

JULIA
STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP

(Steve stops. He just looks at her, waiting for her next words.)

JULIA
HELP!  HELP HELP HELP!

STEVE
Julia?

JULIA
HELP HELP HELP HELP

STEVE (talking slowly, trying to get her to understand)
JULIA, I’M RIGHT HERE.  IT’S STEVE, YOU’RE BROTHER. STEVE. CAN YOU HEAR ME?

JULIA
NO STEVE! NO UNCLE STEVE! BAD. MOMMY! NO!

STEVE
Oh God…  NO, JULIA. IT’S ALRIGHT. IT’S JUST ME. STEVE. YOUR BROTHER. NO UNCLE STEVE.

JULIA (hands over her face)
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

STEVE
Shit…  NO, HE’S NOT HERE. IT’S JUST ME. YOUR BROTHER.

JULIA
BROTHER? BROTHER BROTHER BROTHER

STEVE
YES, yes, your brother. Your twin brother.

JULIA
TWIN BROTHER.  BROTHER BROther brother.

(Julia is beginning to calm down. She leans back in the bed. Steve starts to move towards her bed, slowly.)

STEVE
Yes. BRU-THER. YOUR. TWIN. BROTHER. STEVE. Just me. No one else right now. Claire’s out.

JULIA
SISTER? SISTER SISTER SISTER?

STEVE
Yes, our sister. Claire. She’s out right now, but she’ll be back soon.

JULIA (takes a deep breath, then)
…Claire…

STEVE
Right, Claire. That’s right. She’s Claire, and I’m Steve. You’re brother.  And who are you?

JULIA (takes a moment, then)
…Julia…

STEVE
Right. Exactly. You’re Julia. (he pauses for a moment and takes her in) And who’s older?

JULIA
You. You you you.

STEVE (smiling and relieved at her progress)
And don’t you forget it!

(Steve laughs at his own joke, and Julia kind of smiles.)

JULIA
Forget it. Forget forget forget it.

(Julia closes her eyes, and she’s back to sleep, leaving Steve to just stand and look at her. Perplexed by what just happened. But hopeful. Lights out. End of scene.)